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1/2/2008
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Half Boyfriend
Half-Boyfriend

My “affair” with Steve lasted for almost two of the three years that he was exclusively dating a mutual friend's younger sister. I hate having to use the word affair to describe our relationship: affair entails a sexual fling and that simply wasn’t what happened. We were elaborate; feelings were felt although they were never admitted to one another. I believe even to this day that he knew I was in love with him, and maybe perhaps he was also in love with me. However, it wasn’t until the summer before my senior year and his first year in college that our relationship truly began to blossom. There were nights when he would come to my window at midnight to whisk me away in his Ford Ranger to our secret spot overlooking the lake. Those were the only times when anything would be uttered about our relationship, as if the blanket of night was the only place safe enough to talk. The conversation would start out in a variety of ways but it would always end the same: me telling him that I couldn’t go on acting like friends with these feeling inside me. He responded by looking out his windshield to the black and blue water before us, scanning the horizon for answers to my question. The answer was always the same; nothing could ever truly happen between us. “We are victims of our circumstances,” he would utter and start the truck.
For those of you who are interested in the song above its called:
Half Boyfriend by Jay Brannan a gay singer who is the love of my life.
Mandy Steve never to this day has ever admitted to anything that went on between us I even wrote him a email a year ago and he responded with saying that he didn't remember anything. Julius I don't know how I dealt with it I suppose in many ways I was okay with it because I didn't even know if I wanted a boyfriend at the time. That relationship is the reason that I have never had a boyfriend in my life. It has left me scarred in more ways then one but I suppose that is true is stories of the heart people who touch it change our lives forever.
RickyMartinJr 1/12/2008 | 
Here is another reason that I love to use twango. Your layering of the photo (added separately) and the music onto the text gives the piece real dimensionality.
I'd like to see everyone asking more questions in your responses-- not just here, but in all discussion and postings.
janicep-share 1/3/2008 | 
I played the song you posted as i read the story you described. I felt like i wanted to cry. When he says "you were the pill i never wanted to take....the heart i never wanted to break...i would survive you" i felt my heart drop. I think this is an experience a lot of people can relate to but putting the lyrics against the story it feels so alive. I appreciate the song included because although i did not have the same experience the words in this song can be applied to my own life experience.
aalbert 1/3/2008 | 
Ricky,

I can totally relate to your story, this too has happened to me. Although for me I felt it easier to call it an affair, maybe just my way of emotionally distancing myself from this person. I didn't want there to be strong feelings, which made it easier when i knew it had to end. I feel this story is a scene straight out of Brokeback Mountain and am reminded of the quote "I just can't quit you." Those feelings are so strong yet have to remain hidden from the world. That in itself can be emotionally draining. I am very interested in further development of the story and the characters. How did you deal with this, knowing that you must keep it a secret, after 2 years? How have you grown from this? Has this changed your identity? I am really interested in reading more of this story...
JuliusN 1/3/2008 | 
I agree that it is a beautiful song, however the story is really sad. I too have had a secret relationship "under the cover of darkness," and it used to drive me insane to be so dependent on the whims of another. Similarly, to see him with his whole girlfriend was really hard (as I'm sure it was for you too). I like how you focus on his American 'masculinity' with his Ford truck and younger girlfriend. Did Steve ever admit his non-heterosexuality to his girlfriend or anyone besides you, or is he waiting for a more open/accepting atmosphere with better 'circumstances?'
asutherl 1/3/2008 | 
I love the song you choose to add to this experience.
Jassica-share 1/2/2008 | 

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